Thursday, March 26, 2009

Thoughts on being gluten-free...

As much as it's helped me by leaps and bounds (alleviating ALL gluten, not just most), I still miss bread. You know, the whole process of making it, and then losing yourself in its fresh-from-the-oven goodness. But I also miss Panera, scones, pastries with my coffee, plump muffins and most of all, giant bagels with cream cheese. I was never one to bake a lot of bread (I maybe made an average of 12 loaves per year), but when I did, I relished it. And I miss it.

A sweet neighbor of ours would bring a bag of Panera bread to us every week while Shawn was out of work. Oh, it was so tempting. I gave in more than once, and regretted every bite the following days. But I'm starting to realize that I do have control over food (strange concept, huh?), and there is no reason I can't be happy in the place the Lord has placed me.

And then there's the guilt that comes along with the generosity of others. For example, the sweet ladies of Redeemer have brought us dinner the past few weeks - what a blessing! When I was asked about any food preferences/allergies, I only mentioned Lottie's milk/cheese sensitivity and said nothing about gluten. In my mind I've thought, "How could I? This church has been incredibly generous, how can I give stipulations on our food that are so difficult, even I haven't figured out how to cook well with it yet?!" Fortunately, Shawn and the kids have gobbled up all of the meals that I could not eat. Which is fine, I mean I've been on this diet-thing anyway. But I have a certain amount of guilt about this still. And since that offer for the meals, we've began to notice how severe Lottie's intolerance to dairy is. Even products that contain a trace amount of milk throw her into a tizzy.

And that's not to say the meals haven't helped out. The surely did. I can't begin to describe how difficult it's been to adjust to a fourth child while have a gluten intolerance. Mainly because I have only committed to be TOTALLY gluten free two weeks ago. I would "try" to eat gluten free, but if the food looked amazing, I caved. I felt better than I had, but I wasn't healing. Now, my body is healing and I am able to say no, wherease before I either would not or could not. Talk about being in closet denial. So, I really appreciated the help while I am trying to figure out how to cook these new types of meals and, well, really learn HOW to cook for us. The help in the interim has been just amazing. But I still feel guilty.

All in all (despite the feelings of guilt and mourning the loss of pizza, pasta, and bread), I am thankful for this. I thankful that I have the opportunity to finally know what's good for my body, and to feed myself well. Yeah, yeah. I know that's cheesy. But I do not want to go through the pain and constant illness that I lived in for years, again. Ever. My husband deserves better, and so do my kids. Praise God, we now know.


Aimee Mayer said...

I've been through that. I even had a breakdown and cried for a bit when I first went GF. Snapped at Will for absolutely nothing, he just kind of looked at me weird and then I just collapsed crying on his shoulder... And then recently with money being tight, I've started eating some gluten again because it's cheaper.... and my moods crashed. So, I'm going 100% GF again, and feeling better. It's hard to resist bread... I miss it so much, too. Will and I went to the store, and I saw a loaf of sourdough for 75 cents... "Is a 75 cent loaf of deliciousness worth a month of really crabby me? Not really..." And sighed, and moved on. But Will and I are happier for it, because I'd take it out on him instead. *hugs* We'll make it, however much grieving and bread-missing we'll do.

In better news, the millet pizza crust they have at Fresh Air makes an awesome pizza, so you should look into that. It's yummy! :) And sorry this was so long!

Meg said...

No worries here! It is such an incredible help to have FRIENDS that are gf!!! I'm really looking into cooking with some new oils and spices, as well as starting to make homemade loaves of gf bread. I mean, I really don't NEED to suffer with cream of rice, ya know? Or prepackaged gf foods. I'd rather get down to the nitty gritty (heh), get my hands dirty, and learn how to LOVE what I eat, not just settle.

I think I am reacting poorly to dairy since my tummy is so messed up from eating gluten for so long. I've heard of this happening. So, I'm going to continue to cut it out for awhile longer, and then try it again. Seriously, I wish I could just order and extremely tasty, gluten and dairy free pizza, and have it delivered RIGHT to my door! I'd probably pee myself with excitement! LOL

See, now I'm the one running on... :)